On the third date he took us beer tasting and as a beer novice showed me the ropes as we got deep into conversation. We drank a little at the first bar, and by a little I mean enough to get us both talking about our exes. I know this is not by the rules but he brought it up and wanted to know so I thought I would be honest and share truths.
He held my hand as we walked to another bar and drank some more. He drank less than I , as he was driving. We got to talking about our futures and where we would like to see ourselves. I asked if he would ever live in California as that is someplace I would like to settle everntually. He said yes and I saw even more of a future presenting itself.
In the midst of the conversation I had casually mentioned my record of parking tickets because he constantly had to feed the meter while we were out. “ Ive had arounf 36 rickets” I am not good luck when it comes to that so I would go check your car if you want to have money left in your bank after today. Funny enough the winds of chance presented two parking tickets left on his car totaling over 200 dollars. I joked “ Am I the most expensive date you ever had?” Yes he said with a smile but didn’t do anything but laugh it off. I have known so many men to get so angry abot things like this but his cool attitude made him more and more attractive to me. Every conversation it was like the cosmic universes was saying this is your soulmate he is what you have been asking for. I hadn’t kissed him yet so I didn’t know if sparks would fly but in the least if he was my best friend for life I would be satisfied knowing someone else out there thinks and feels like I do. The date went on for a few more hours before we headed back to his place to watch a movie.
When I say watch a movie I mean really watch a movie. I think we started watching “Frozen” on the computer because I was obsessed with it, after just having seen it in theaters. Then I proceeded to change the movie to bridesmaids so that I could share some boistourous laughter with him. I felt so comfortable with him almost right off the bat. It could have been the common history of the fact that we were two peas in a pod. It felt like we were brought together for a reason.
When I think about him I sigh. It is not a sigh of longing or heartbreak. It is a sigh about what I thought I knew about love. I thought that one day oyu fnd someone who is just so in sync with you and it clicks. Then you just know. I sigh because I thought that is what happened to me but it ended up fading into nothingness.
I know that I cannot be the only person to have gone through this. Everybody faces sitatuations where they think they found someone who will understand them better than anybody. Then you wake up to find they are gone and you wonder where you went wrong.
Its hard not to attribute the dissolution of the relationship to my own wrongdoing. I know that basic discourse on men and women says it comes down to “how into you’ he really is. I still don’t understand the diconnect between the initial infatuation and the sudden drop off the earth stunts that happen more than once.
That night I stayed the night but did not engage in any sexual prowess. I wanted to wait and as cliché as it sounds I wanted to wait because I actually liked him. I did not want to ruin the possibility of letting something like sex ruin it too soon.
That morning he took me home around 10 am, but before we awoke he had already set a plan to see me again later that day. “Will you spend the day with me?” he asked as I blushed with great satisfaction at his proposal. “Yes, just allow me to go home for a little while and change and you can come pick me up at 3.” Another thing I admired about him was his sense of true chivalry. Sure its easy for guys to fake this but at least he played the part well. He always picked me up and dropped me off. Almost every arrival started with a gift, and the dismissals with a kiss. He was always proving himself to me because I let my fears be known off the bat.
I wont lie, I wanted him to jump through hoops for me. I wanted him to be every bit as good as he was presenting himself to be. I pushed his buttons so that I could find out if this was all an act or a true encounter of soulmates. I always was gracious and affectionate but never too giving.
There were a lot of dates, all neautifully unique in their own way. We always did something that was notable, probably the best dates I have ever been on. In the least I should tthank him for showing me that I deserve to be treated that way, and have thought put into impressing me.
Sex was always an area of sensitivity bevause I feared above all he was going to use me and throw me away. On one night when I was a little too drunk after our date at the zoo, he took me to his place where we watched a movie. It was a lot of kissing. Really good kissing. As things moved into the bedroom clothes came off and hands were everywhere. He had boasted about his sex skills to me erlier in an admission of what I would assume was insecurity. I told him I really didn’t care about sex that much but humored his confidence at the subject.
I wondered a little how big he was. He was only a few inches taller than I, so slightly smaller than the guys I was used to. Being a taller girl I had preferred myself taller men who every so often had large dongs. My ex’s penis was actually the second biggest one I had ever seen or been with. Having it for over 8 months and then switching to little average sized penis’s was an interesting issue on the amount I actually do care aobtu sex. I figured if I was gonna do it and like it I migt as well enjoy it.
Back to the first time it happened…. We wre rolling around in his bed and I felt his impending bulge through his dark denim jeans that had holes all up and down the legs. I would stick my hand as to directly cup his gentlemen and rub it to arouse him further. Eventually instead of take it out to have sex with me he went down on me instead.
His tongue must have had navigation built in. How did he know the sweet spot that just got me to climax faster than I had ever before. It was greatly satisfying as he could tell by the great amount of wetness left behind on his sheet. He tried to put it in after that. For a moment I laid back just observing the great moment of actual orgasm that is rare for me.
I felt it for a moment and as he thrust I lost the feeling of anything down there. I do not mean I went numb, I just didn’t feel a thing. A few seconds later he pulled out and tried to activate it with his hand. I sat there wondering what had caused such a fast downfall. We had drank a bit I considered whiskey dick to be the cause. He told me he was embarrassed and hoped that I didn’t think it was me that wouldn’t let him get it up. He said a combination of alchol and nerves kept him flaccid and inactive. It was a shame but I still got mine and he relished in that fact. Men are so proud of sexual achievements if you let them have their glory sometimes they even get hard.
The second time we tried to have sex we had a similar problem. We had only had a few drinks this time, so I didn’t think whiskey dick could be an issue. He put it in for a few seconds and I felt a little pressure, but it was just a little. Then there was nothing and again he sat there trying to activate it. I wasn’t so sure about the condition of his sex drive because never had this happened to me twice in a row. He called it nerves and to make it seem nicer said it was because he liked me so much he was nervous about what I would think. This has happened to me three times now and I still wonder if this is a real thing? He tried to get it in and did with somewhat success a few moments later then as we were getting it on in the missionary I asked to switch and be on top. Just as I laid a leg across him it went limp. “Gravity isn’t my friend” he said and I just sat aside him bewildered and a little frustrated. I was used to great sex, and as much as I hate to admit it I cared a little about the amount of rocky, rough, wild, and spontaneous pounding a guy could offer me. Not so much to my benefit but to theirs. Feeling like you are someone’s and sharing your body in the way which they have to sit there and take you is a powerful feeling. Not having understood if he could be capable of this there was a limited amount of attraction lost for me into the next day. As I drove home that night I just thought that maybe he wasn’t the guy for me after all if I couldn’t get him hard, and he just didn’t feel that raw passion that would excite him into bed with me.
He texted me a little during the next day and I responded with brief messages back. I spent most of the day tired and thinking about if I really wanted to see him again. After a long day of sleeping and thinking, I awoke around 8 thinking about how I really wanted to see him again regardless of the sex issues. I texted him more avidly at this point and he mentioned my silence earlier in the day. Very observant boy. I explained that I was just resting most of the day away from my phone, no need to let someone into your head all the time.
We sat down on his bed the next night and he made me look him in the eyes “ I want you to be my girlfriend when the time comes, so you don’t have to worry about me hurting you” he said. These words resound and make me so angry when I think about what happened. They are the exact opposite of what happened. On the Bright side I learned a truth I already knew but chose to ignore. Do not believe people’s words, only actions. Especially when it comes to men. I should really take my own advice but i’m blind to realities cruel truths.
I was a bit freaked out at first when he told me this because it was pretty soon after we had started seeing one another, but I also felt like we were on the same wave length so I just fell quiet about the subject and we trekked on in conversation.
The next day we playfully conversed as we usually do. He asked me if I had been freaked out by the girlfriend talk and I was pretty surprised because usually I was the one doing the scaring. I was appreciative being in a position of perceived power. The one who has the power to reject or accept a mans proposal. It was natural that I convinced myself that this was further proof this relationship would be a perfect fit. I told him in brief that I agreed when the time was right I would be okay with being his gf. We continued to chat as usual late into the night and the fleeting emotions were just too good to be true.
About a month went by of time with Doolittle. This time was incredible. For the first time, possibly ever I felt like I could just be myself in a relationship. There was no need to mold, to please, to over think. It was so easy and enjoyable, the type of thing you read about in self-help books about relationships. I also learned another valuable lesson about attraction and the rare instance where I just did not value looks as much as I had been accustomed to doing. The combination of factors which made Doolittle the least likely to succeed in my world had put me in a place of comfort knowing that he had made it and that I would be the one to play the goal keeper here. That sense of power is quite comforting.
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About a month of time with Doolittle went by where we were spending good amounts of time together, getting to know one another better and relishing in the serendipitous joining of two souls who seemed so starved for one another that their union was like hearing angels sing. I do not say it lightly when I say that that this sort of union was the sort of thing I had been looking for my entire twenty something life. Cliche and cheesy may it be, daddy issues had left a hole in my heart that I never seized to try and fill.
Around this time New Years plans were on the horizon for planning, I did not think twice about my New Years Kiss, knowing it would be with the guy I could be with for a very very very long time.
When that night came, I drank, and drank, and drank into oblivion. We exchanged sweet kisses all night up until the midnight hour where like clockwork tears began to spill down my face. All I remember is that I cried in the bathroom to a friend while he sat downstairs baffled at any logical reason for my breakdown. We never had the New Years Kiss.
I apologized the next day for being such a silly emotional girl at our new years party. I wouldn’t say that tears were an uncommon sight for me, as I am an emotionally attuned girl with more emotions to share in a hour than some people can share in a year.
The brief stint of an overly emotional production sent him running for the hills. I got two days of relative silence from Doolittle where our conversations were brief and few. I knew something was wrong but he had not brought up anything so I let the dogs lie. After having got the swine flu, he finally admitted defeat to me. “I have to be honest” He said ” I do not think I am ready for this relationship, and I just have been considering if we are the best match for one another, and I just don’t know that we are. My feelings for you are still there but I want to be honest so I wont hurt you any further. I did not see this coming, I am sorry.”
An eruption of emotion came through my eyes once again as I read the text to myself over and over trying to understand why this particular relationships demise had been had so soon and unexpectedly. Tears do scare men away, the ones who are not emotionally equipped to deal with them that is. Just one little stint like that and he went running.
I considered myself to be lucky that I got out of that when I did because he was not the soulmate that I had pictured him to be. Call it rose colored glasses but his appeal quickly wore down. Despite my logical thought process, I felt a sting in my self esteem that really made the tears flow. This feeling of inadequacy, the constant dates which had resulted in nothing for me or any suitors. It just felt like nobody could handle me, while I saw girls who were certifiably crazy get their doors knocked down for dates. No matter how many times they tell you, you’re gorgeous, smart, beautiful, unique, hilarious, in the end it comes down to a man’s feeling. I wonder, and I wonder often what the secret formula to this crazy world is.
At least he has his animals. I have Tinder.
There are so many things to consider when you’re meeting someone new. You have to determine if you’re attracted to them, decipher if you have a connection with them, gauge your overall interest in them … but there’s one thing you can’t tell, not right away at least, you can’t tell if they’re emotionally available. This could be related to, but not exactly the same as, baggage. Being emotionally available is being open and ready to enter into a relationship with someone. Emotional availability can help or hinder a prospective relationship. It’s a component of the glue, if you will, that holds things together. How? Well, let me explain.
Tinderellandsingle 